Our job comes with a second family, but too many of us forget to put our first family first.

Originally published on LinkedIn

Shari and I were 19-year-old college sophomores when we got pregnant in 1999. I’m not proud of that fact, but it is a fact. I was 400 miles from home and did not have a lot of family support. She did have family support and her parents lived 20 minutes away. We steeled ourselves and prepared to tell her parents we were pregnant.

Her dad is a gentle guy, but I was incredibly intimidated anyway. We broke the news that we were pregnant before we had any right to be parents. We were both full-time students with part-time jobs and no way to support a baby.

Her dad was calm and quiet. He sat for a long time with the news swirling in his head. After he thought for a while he pulled me aside. He told me that he had worked his whole life to make a better life for his kids. I told him I understood, but I didn’t, not really. I wouldn’t understand until years later. He set a clear expectation with me that his daughter was going to graduate from college no matter what. He told me that it had been his responsibility to ensure it happened, but now it was mine.

The first years were genuinely difficult. We both worked incredibly hard. We married too young and balanced jobs, education, and parenting. She was more mature and patient than me (she still is). The best I could do then for her and our sons was to work as hard as I could in multiple simultaneous dead-end jobs so she could finish school.

She finished her undergrad in 2004 (pictured here), a few years later than she planned but I had kept my promise to her dad. We had worked together and did what was necessary to get her through her education. She went on to earn two master's degrees and is a dynamo in her professional environment.

During that time I was lucky enough to wander into a firehouse and meet people who showed me the path to a fire service career. The job brought stability to my family. It paid a decent salary and had excellent benefits, which were essential for our growing family. More than that, it gave me the direction and structure I needed after our early struggles.

I enjoy firehouse life and I joke about my marriage for comedic effect. But everyone in the firehouse knows the truth. I am lucky to have Shari in my corner. She has not only been the love of my life, but also has been a source of motivation, accountability, and unwavering support.

After she finished her education and spent time and effort building a solid career for herself she turned her attention to my career. She saw potential in me that I did not see in myself. She supported my education, which I had not been able to focus on in over a decade. When the time came she challenged me to take the Lieutenant’s exam and helped me study for months. With her help, I attained the number 1 spot on the list and was promoted. Five years later she challenged me to take the Battalion Chief’s exam and again, helped me study and prepare for the role. She never complained once when I studied for hours or attended classes, even when I was away for weeks at a time at the National Fire Academy in Maryland. Her unwavering support has been the key ingredient in any success I can claim.

She is my partner in the truest sense of the word. We have looked out for each other since we were barely adults. We raised three sons and both have rewarding and challenging careers. To this day we frequently have long discussions, often about an issue one of us is facing at work. We support each other’s goals.

There is a reality about the fire service we often forget. We pay it lip service, but we need to do a better job. The reality is: the job we have is a challenge for our family and/or those who love us. The hours are long, the culture is immersive, and sometimes the job bleeds into our home life. We sometimes come home from our shifts tired and irritable. It is essential that we prioritize our families.

Time spent with family away from work is essential for our loved ones, ourselves, and even for our work performance. This can mean everything from taking vacations to remembering to plan dates with our significant other. It can also mean turning off notifications for work-related content while at home, but that’s not possible for all of us. While we love our jobs, it is essential that we also attend to our families and personal connections.

What steps have you taken to segregate your work and home life? How have you prioritized your family and personal connections? What can we as fire service leaders do to encourage our younger members to do the same?